Day 15?

Last night was the closest I've come to relapsing yet and it's scaring me.

Yesterday I went to see the girlfriend for a bit, and things escalated to us grinding each other, so that turned me on enormously, but I had to do something. A few hours later, I was in bed and texting an ex (as you do) because she wanted some help with a lad she's trying to get with and I'm on good terms with her, so I did. She used to be a sex addict so I told her about NoFap and she was impressed, she's been free of mindless sexting and sex for almost the same amount of time as me and we were both congratulating each other and expressing how much better it is. For me I feel less guilt, for her its more about realising her body is not just a toy and should be respected more.
But I digress,
Talking to her sparked some memories and I got some incredible kinky flashbacks and new fantasies that wouldn't go away. I'd describe it as head porn. I spent the next couple of hours lying awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could feel a couple of HUGE rushes of dopamine, I felt like I was flying, but I was so scared that I'd break my streak. The only thing keeping me from touching my penis, which was begging for attention was that my desire to break this habit was stronger. Last night is an example of how big the problem is, but how it IS possible to resist the urges, even when I realise it would have taking maybe 20 seconds or less of fapping to cum, the state I was in. It was a warning to not let my thoughts get carried away, but its also a bit of a symbol of hope that I do have self control. I do have a choice, and so does everyone else!

I also feel like I understand drug addicts more and more. The reason I fapped before, and the reason the porn and fantasies got more extreme is very similar to what drug addicts do. I started on soft stuff, in the same way a non drug addict may start with smoking weed. The dopamine hit is great the first few times, but after a while its just not the same, and you have to watch more extreme porn in my case, or move to a harder drug in a drug addicts case. From there it simply escalates until you get to a point when you realise its ruining your life, but you don't care, because its only about you. Since I met this girl, suddenly I have a real reason to do NoFap. I can understand it may sound shallow, but I want to make sex incredible when we get round to it and without NoFap, I won't be able to get it up. This has a backlash effect of the girl then questioning her attractiveness and her ability to get me up, which is not how it should be! She's really good looking and has a lovely body and I so wish it were easier for me to just get it over with, but I know I need to take my time.

I'm almost 5 years into a porn addiction, so kicking the habit is tough, but I'm seeing it through, and having an anonymous blog which I can use to share my story with the world or anyone who cares helps because it gives me another reason to do this. I don't get many page views, but I get at least 2 or 3 a day so I feel that if people are making the effort to visit this page, they deserve to see some results as well.

I have no comments, but I'm sure the people reading this are supporting me morally, so thank you, even just seeing small view numbers means a lot :)

That was a huge post for me, but theres lots I wanted to get off my mind.

Adios,

KD