For whatever reason this journal is helping with my stress levels. After I post I feel so much calmer, able to sleep better. I don't understand this. Also when I feel the urge to fap, simply logging on to this takes that urge away, even if I post nothing. Sorry this post has very little substance, it's 0305 and I can't sleep. My sleeping pattern is f#%ked at the moment :( ah well. At least I'm hitting Newcastle hard for the next three nights ;)
Till next time,
KD
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Super Relapse - Day 1
Evening all,
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
Sunday, 23 November 2014
Friday, 21 November 2014
Day 0-relapse
In the early hours of this morning I relapsed...
Wednesday night I got really drunk and my gf wasn't very drunk at all and she was with me and all of Thursday she didn't text me. She told me that I grabbed her neck that night. She smiled and said she didn't think I meant it and it wasn't malicious, and knowing what I'm like I probably thought I was gently caressing her neck and possibly lost balance. , but I still feel bad about it. Idk what to do about it. How do you recover from that? I just don't know. I'd never hurt her. That night all I could think about was how fond I am of her and I just wanted her company. For fucks sake this is confusing. We're both going to someone's 19th tonight so hopefully we'll resolve there but this is going to haunt me for a while I reckon.
Till next time,
KD
Wednesday night I got really drunk and my gf wasn't very drunk at all and she was with me and all of Thursday she didn't text me. She told me that I grabbed her neck that night. She smiled and said she didn't think I meant it and it wasn't malicious, and knowing what I'm like I probably thought I was gently caressing her neck and possibly lost balance. , but I still feel bad about it. Idk what to do about it. How do you recover from that? I just don't know. I'd never hurt her. That night all I could think about was how fond I am of her and I just wanted her company. For fucks sake this is confusing. We're both going to someone's 19th tonight so hopefully we'll resolve there but this is going to haunt me for a while I reckon.
Till next time,
KD
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
Day 15?
Last night was the closest I've come to relapsing yet and it's scaring me.
Yesterday I went to see the girlfriend for a bit, and things escalated to us grinding each other, so that turned me on enormously, but I had to do something. A few hours later, I was in bed and texting an ex (as you do) because she wanted some help with a lad she's trying to get with and I'm on good terms with her, so I did. She used to be a sex addict so I told her about NoFap and she was impressed, she's been free of mindless sexting and sex for almost the same amount of time as me and we were both congratulating each other and expressing how much better it is. For me I feel less guilt, for her its more about realising her body is not just a toy and should be respected more.
But I digress,
Talking to her sparked some memories and I got some incredible kinky flashbacks and new fantasies that wouldn't go away. I'd describe it as head porn. I spent the next couple of hours lying awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could feel a couple of HUGE rushes of dopamine, I felt like I was flying, but I was so scared that I'd break my streak. The only thing keeping me from touching my penis, which was begging for attention was that my desire to break this habit was stronger. Last night is an example of how big the problem is, but how it IS possible to resist the urges, even when I realise it would have taking maybe 20 seconds or less of fapping to cum, the state I was in. It was a warning to not let my thoughts get carried away, but its also a bit of a symbol of hope that I do have self control. I do have a choice, and so does everyone else!
I also feel like I understand drug addicts more and more. The reason I fapped before, and the reason the porn and fantasies got more extreme is very similar to what drug addicts do. I started on soft stuff, in the same way a non drug addict may start with smoking weed. The dopamine hit is great the first few times, but after a while its just not the same, and you have to watch more extreme porn in my case, or move to a harder drug in a drug addicts case. From there it simply escalates until you get to a point when you realise its ruining your life, but you don't care, because its only about you. Since I met this girl, suddenly I have a real reason to do NoFap. I can understand it may sound shallow, but I want to make sex incredible when we get round to it and without NoFap, I won't be able to get it up. This has a backlash effect of the girl then questioning her attractiveness and her ability to get me up, which is not how it should be! She's really good looking and has a lovely body and I so wish it were easier for me to just get it over with, but I know I need to take my time.
I'm almost 5 years into a porn addiction, so kicking the habit is tough, but I'm seeing it through, and having an anonymous blog which I can use to share my story with the world or anyone who cares helps because it gives me another reason to do this. I don't get many page views, but I get at least 2 or 3 a day so I feel that if people are making the effort to visit this page, they deserve to see some results as well.
I have no comments, but I'm sure the people reading this are supporting me morally, so thank you, even just seeing small view numbers means a lot :)
That was a huge post for me, but theres lots I wanted to get off my mind.
Adios,
KD
Yesterday I went to see the girlfriend for a bit, and things escalated to us grinding each other, so that turned me on enormously, but I had to do something. A few hours later, I was in bed and texting an ex (as you do) because she wanted some help with a lad she's trying to get with and I'm on good terms with her, so I did. She used to be a sex addict so I told her about NoFap and she was impressed, she's been free of mindless sexting and sex for almost the same amount of time as me and we were both congratulating each other and expressing how much better it is. For me I feel less guilt, for her its more about realising her body is not just a toy and should be respected more.
But I digress,
Talking to her sparked some memories and I got some incredible kinky flashbacks and new fantasies that wouldn't go away. I'd describe it as head porn. I spent the next couple of hours lying awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could feel a couple of HUGE rushes of dopamine, I felt like I was flying, but I was so scared that I'd break my streak. The only thing keeping me from touching my penis, which was begging for attention was that my desire to break this habit was stronger. Last night is an example of how big the problem is, but how it IS possible to resist the urges, even when I realise it would have taking maybe 20 seconds or less of fapping to cum, the state I was in. It was a warning to not let my thoughts get carried away, but its also a bit of a symbol of hope that I do have self control. I do have a choice, and so does everyone else!
I also feel like I understand drug addicts more and more. The reason I fapped before, and the reason the porn and fantasies got more extreme is very similar to what drug addicts do. I started on soft stuff, in the same way a non drug addict may start with smoking weed. The dopamine hit is great the first few times, but after a while its just not the same, and you have to watch more extreme porn in my case, or move to a harder drug in a drug addicts case. From there it simply escalates until you get to a point when you realise its ruining your life, but you don't care, because its only about you. Since I met this girl, suddenly I have a real reason to do NoFap. I can understand it may sound shallow, but I want to make sex incredible when we get round to it and without NoFap, I won't be able to get it up. This has a backlash effect of the girl then questioning her attractiveness and her ability to get me up, which is not how it should be! She's really good looking and has a lovely body and I so wish it were easier for me to just get it over with, but I know I need to take my time.
I'm almost 5 years into a porn addiction, so kicking the habit is tough, but I'm seeing it through, and having an anonymous blog which I can use to share my story with the world or anyone who cares helps because it gives me another reason to do this. I don't get many page views, but I get at least 2 or 3 a day so I feel that if people are making the effort to visit this page, they deserve to see some results as well.
I have no comments, but I'm sure the people reading this are supporting me morally, so thank you, even just seeing small view numbers means a lot :)
That was a huge post for me, but theres lots I wanted to get off my mind.
Adios,
KD
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Day 13
Hi all,
The past few days I've felt pretty damn horny, but I have still resisted the urge to crack one out and it feels really good from a confidence point of view that I have the self control to do that :) the girl I've been seeing called herself my girlfriend earlier in a conversation with one of my other mates, so I guess my relationship has progressed again and that makes me pretty damn happy. I know she wants to sleep with me, she has expressed an interest, so I hope that when the time comes I'll perform not too badly. Losing my virginity and having a steady sex life is what this is all about. Once I'm able to have sex with a real girl, and not have a chaser effect of going to porn for loads of wanks after getting the dopamine hit from an orgasm, then I'll feel like this has worked. It's looking good so far though, so wish me luck :)
Speak soon,
KD
The past few days I've felt pretty damn horny, but I have still resisted the urge to crack one out and it feels really good from a confidence point of view that I have the self control to do that :) the girl I've been seeing called herself my girlfriend earlier in a conversation with one of my other mates, so I guess my relationship has progressed again and that makes me pretty damn happy. I know she wants to sleep with me, she has expressed an interest, so I hope that when the time comes I'll perform not too badly. Losing my virginity and having a steady sex life is what this is all about. Once I'm able to have sex with a real girl, and not have a chaser effect of going to porn for loads of wanks after getting the dopamine hit from an orgasm, then I'll feel like this has worked. It's looking good so far though, so wish me luck :)
Speak soon,
KD
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
Day 9
Hi guys,
It's day 9 and its a Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays. I just spend far too much time in the same lectures. It's 2 hours of fluid dynamics (hard) in the morning, then 2 hours of mechanics (easy but boring) in the afternoon. After mechanics I then have materials science which makes me suicidal its so boring! However, when I got home, I didn't get the urge to crack one out. I feel less like I need to masturbate then I did this time yesterday. I also noticed that I hadn't got an erection all day, which leads me to believe I'm starting to enter a flatline period. With any luck I'll pull through it quickly and my equipment downstairs will be fully operational soon enough. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Till then,
KD
Monday, 10 November 2014
Day 8
Hi all,
I'm currently on day 8 of no PMO and it's pretty damn tough at the moment. I've been unwell with ebola or the black death or something (probably freshers flu) for the last few days, so thats been a lot of time in bed with not much to do. Resisting the urge to crack one out was pretty tough. Theres a feeling of tightness in my testicles that I've had for around 2 days now that I assume is to do with the fact that I haven't orgasmed in over a week. I'm fairly sure 5 days is the longest I've gone since I was 14, so this is quite a big deal for me. I'm having flashbacks to porn that I used to watch sometimes and its so tempting to flip open my laptop or iPad to get the release and dopamine hit my body is clearly begging for. I had the girl I'm seeing round a couple of nights ago and we had a nice quiet evening watching the Doctor Who finale and watching a disney film after. I was unwell, but I caught what I had from her, so she wasn't fussed about being around me, which was decent of her. Due to my run down state there wasn't a huge amount of physical stuff, just cuddles and stroking and the odd kiss, which made me feel good, but fortunately didn't arouse me to a point where I wanted to masturbate. I feel tired and lazy and I don't know whether thats withdrawal symptoms or my illness. I guess only time will tell.
Speak soon,
KD
I'm currently on day 8 of no PMO and it's pretty damn tough at the moment. I've been unwell with ebola or the black death or something (probably freshers flu) for the last few days, so thats been a lot of time in bed with not much to do. Resisting the urge to crack one out was pretty tough. Theres a feeling of tightness in my testicles that I've had for around 2 days now that I assume is to do with the fact that I haven't orgasmed in over a week. I'm fairly sure 5 days is the longest I've gone since I was 14, so this is quite a big deal for me. I'm having flashbacks to porn that I used to watch sometimes and its so tempting to flip open my laptop or iPad to get the release and dopamine hit my body is clearly begging for. I had the girl I'm seeing round a couple of nights ago and we had a nice quiet evening watching the Doctor Who finale and watching a disney film after. I was unwell, but I caught what I had from her, so she wasn't fussed about being around me, which was decent of her. Due to my run down state there wasn't a huge amount of physical stuff, just cuddles and stroking and the odd kiss, which made me feel good, but fortunately didn't arouse me to a point where I wanted to masturbate. I feel tired and lazy and I don't know whether thats withdrawal symptoms or my illness. I guess only time will tell.
Speak soon,
KD
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Introduction-About Me
Hi all,
This is my first attempt at blogging so don't crucify me if it's not what you expect.
What is this blog about?
This blog is to document a 'reboot' that I plan to do in the way of BREAKING MY PORN ADDICTION! I have been a regular porn user for masturbation since just before my 14th birthday, so I have been using porn regularly (8 or more times a week) for just under 5 years now.
Why am I trying to break a porn addiction?
I have been seeing a girl from a university sports team for the last few weeks. We started getting together on nights out quite soon after the start of term and in the past 3 weeks or so we've been seeing each other sober too. Last Sunday (7 days ago) we we making out and grinding and she wanted to give me a blow job (I'd never had one before+I'm a virgin-she knew this) and she took down my jeans and I couldn't get it up. this killed the mood for that night, but she believes it was down to nerves, which is understandable and in part, it probably was. However, when I came home that evening I started to do some reading on erectile dysfunction (ED) and found that my problem was probably porn induced. I am doing this so that I can have a normal and exciting sexual life
What does this mean?
What I mean by 'porn induced erectile dysfunction' is that my body and subconscious is used to getting aroused and delivering large amounts of dopamine (brain reward drug) when I masturbate to porn and my brain has been more or less 'rewired' for porn rather than a real woman. This means that regardless of how attracted I am to a woman, it is difficult to 'get it up' with her, because my body simply isn't used to the concept of getting a dopamine reward from sexual interactions with a real woman.
What am I doing to tackle this?
I am giving up porn and masturbation, going 'no PMO' (no porn, masturbation or orgasm) for as long as I can, and hopefully indefinitely. I will also be spending more time with this girl to help speed up the 'reboot' process of rewiring my brain for real women rather than porn.
Who am I?
I am an 18 year old male student studying an engineering degree at a Russell Group university in the north of England.
What is my background?
I was born and raised in the south east of England by 2 parents in the medical profession. My upbringing was uneventful in the way that I have no history of abuse or parents splitting up or anything traumatic like that. In primary school and early years of secondary school I was bullied a bit, which has affected me of course, but I never did much about it. For my 6th form I moved to a boarding school and had what was probably the best 2 years of my school career. In the early stages of that I got bullied a small amount too, but I actually did something about it and got it sorted. In my year 13 I saw a councillor and that was a really good help to sort out certain psychological problems I had before going to university. The only one I have left is a mild anxiety disorder which occasionally leads me to mildly self harm by picking or biting at the skin on my fingertips (dermotillomania).
Hopefully this post gives you a bit of background as to who I am, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Expect more posts to follow in the next couple of days. Have a good week :)
KD
This is my first attempt at blogging so don't crucify me if it's not what you expect.
What is this blog about?
This blog is to document a 'reboot' that I plan to do in the way of BREAKING MY PORN ADDICTION! I have been a regular porn user for masturbation since just before my 14th birthday, so I have been using porn regularly (8 or more times a week) for just under 5 years now.
Why am I trying to break a porn addiction?
I have been seeing a girl from a university sports team for the last few weeks. We started getting together on nights out quite soon after the start of term and in the past 3 weeks or so we've been seeing each other sober too. Last Sunday (7 days ago) we we making out and grinding and she wanted to give me a blow job (I'd never had one before+I'm a virgin-she knew this) and she took down my jeans and I couldn't get it up. this killed the mood for that night, but she believes it was down to nerves, which is understandable and in part, it probably was. However, when I came home that evening I started to do some reading on erectile dysfunction (ED) and found that my problem was probably porn induced. I am doing this so that I can have a normal and exciting sexual life
What does this mean?
What I mean by 'porn induced erectile dysfunction' is that my body and subconscious is used to getting aroused and delivering large amounts of dopamine (brain reward drug) when I masturbate to porn and my brain has been more or less 'rewired' for porn rather than a real woman. This means that regardless of how attracted I am to a woman, it is difficult to 'get it up' with her, because my body simply isn't used to the concept of getting a dopamine reward from sexual interactions with a real woman.
What am I doing to tackle this?
I am giving up porn and masturbation, going 'no PMO' (no porn, masturbation or orgasm) for as long as I can, and hopefully indefinitely. I will also be spending more time with this girl to help speed up the 'reboot' process of rewiring my brain for real women rather than porn.
Who am I?
I am an 18 year old male student studying an engineering degree at a Russell Group university in the north of England.
What is my background?
I was born and raised in the south east of England by 2 parents in the medical profession. My upbringing was uneventful in the way that I have no history of abuse or parents splitting up or anything traumatic like that. In primary school and early years of secondary school I was bullied a bit, which has affected me of course, but I never did much about it. For my 6th form I moved to a boarding school and had what was probably the best 2 years of my school career. In the early stages of that I got bullied a small amount too, but I actually did something about it and got it sorted. In my year 13 I saw a councillor and that was a really good help to sort out certain psychological problems I had before going to university. The only one I have left is a mild anxiety disorder which occasionally leads me to mildly self harm by picking or biting at the skin on my fingertips (dermotillomania).
Hopefully this post gives you a bit of background as to who I am, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Expect more posts to follow in the next couple of days. Have a good week :)
KD
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