For whatever reason this journal is helping with my stress levels. After I post I feel so much calmer, able to sleep better. I don't understand this. Also when I feel the urge to fap, simply logging on to this takes that urge away, even if I post nothing. Sorry this post has very little substance, it's 0305 and I can't sleep. My sleeping pattern is f#%ked at the moment :( ah well. At least I'm hitting Newcastle hard for the next three nights ;)
Till next time,
KD
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Super Relapse - Day 1
Evening all,
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
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